Mama, you’re not alone.
Have you ever (silently or out loud) cried and screamed in frustration, exhaustion or desperation? Felt embarrassed about how you are feeling or how you responded to your child? Locked yourself in the bathroom? Doubted your ability to be a “good mom”? Thought, “What is wrong with me? I’m an awful mom. Why am I so angry? How are these other moms doing this? I need a break! What kind of mom needs a break?”
Being a mother is amazing and, excuse my language, fucking exhausting! I promise you, you are not the only one feeling annoyed, resentful, guilty, exasperated or embarrassed. I hear it from almost every mom I work with, to varying degrees. And a little self-disclosure... I experience this too.
Motherhood doesn’t just happen in a vacuum. It’s influenced by our families, culture, ethnicity, religion, local communities, financial resources, accessibility to resources, marital status, technology, and so much more. What you’re experiencing is personal to you because no one else has experienced life the exact same way you have. It’s incredibly important that you acknowledge and give space for that. And give yourself some grace!
Let’s talk about some major influencing factors that can overwhelm us as moms:
Information overload.
This doesn’t just apply to our kids with social media and technology. This also applies to us as mothers. Now, don’t get me wrong, the increased access to information is a beautiful thing for so many reasons, AND it brings with it some challenges. Including feeling overwhelmed by all the different parenting strategies offered by professionals, authors, social media influencers, etc.
Be selective about the information you’re taking in. You know yourself and your child best. If it fits for your family, use it. When you start to feel overstimulated, confused or bad about your parenting, limit your exposure to outside information. Take a break from your phone, tablet or whatever you're using.
The Pandemic.
Phew… where do I even begin? The last year and a half has been, quite honestly, a shit show for families. Less space from each other in your home, less access to outside supports, more emotions, more difficulty dealing with emotions.
There’s been less consistency for kids, which is so much more stressful for parents, particularly moms. Because, let’s face it, women are often still the emotional caretakers within families. While things are moving slowly in the direction of “getting back to normal,” we still have the lingering physical and emotional experiences from the last year and half.
It’s okay if you feel on edge. It’s okay if you feel irritable. It’s okay if you feel fucking exhausted and overwhelmed. They are all reasonable and understandable feelings! Name your feelings, allow yourself to experience them physically and emotionally. Pay attention to what thoughts come up. Give the feelings some respect and space. Share them with someone if you feel moved to. Journal them if that’s your thing. Or distract yourself and get busy with a “to-do” item.
Parenting and Childhood is Different than it was 30 years ago.
Jeez, I don’t know about you, but I hated hearing my parents say, “When I was a kid…” I don’t recommend saying this to your kids, but I recommend reminding yourself that when we were kids, childhood was so different. And so was parenting, for that matter.
I’m not trying to make an argument for whether this is good or bad; It’s just a fact. With every generation we learn more about the world, childhood development, mental health, etc. New information requires changes. Changes, we don’t necessarily have role models for. You’re figuring it out. Again, give yourself some grace!
One change that I will throw my opinion on here, is how amazing it is that there’s more awareness of mental health. And moms deserve mental wellness. Taking care of yourself WILL benefit your family.
Taking the time and accessing supports and resources to care for yourself as a mom, WILL support your child. The better able you are to communicate, experience your emotions and work through conflict, the better your kid(s) will be able to do these things. Go for a walk, go out for a meal with yourself, read a book, watch a movie, spend some time in a local park, go out with a friend you haven't been able to see in a while.
Your own Experience of Trauma.
Your own childhood experiences impact your experience as a mother. And if you’ve experienced trauma, including, but definitely not limited to, sexual, physical or emotional abuse, racism or any other form of discrimination, natural disaster, the sudden death of a parent, etc, it can make your emotional experience as a mother that much more intense.
The experience of parenting can be one of healing when it comes to trauma. And it can be quite complex and overwhelming. If this is you, don’t forget that you are an incredibly strong, resilient, resourceful being. You have permission to make mistakes, get things “wrong,” be “overly emotional.”
Be gentle with yourself mama. Whatever you’re going through.
And most importantly remember that you are not alone. And if you’re feeling alone and overwhelmed, reach out. To a friend, a family member, a fellow mom, a therapist. You don’t have to experience this without support.
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With Honor and Respect to you Mama,