How often do you say to yourself, “I need a break from my kid(s)!“ and actually take a break? Being a parent and mom in 2021 is HARD. Of course you’d be saying you need a break!

I’m Nicole Goudreau-Green, a Westchester, NY Therapist for families and women. I’m going to talk with you about the importance of taking time to care for yourself as a mom. And help you with taking action when you think, “I need a break from my family.”

So often, guilt and doubt get in the way. Is it okay to need a break? Do other moms take a break? Why am I so exhausted when I feel like I get nothing done? How do moms who have more kids than me do it? How am I supposed to take a break?

Let’s break these questions down below, and give you some tangible tips.

“Is it okay to need a break from my kids?”

Excuse my language, but HELL YES, it’s okay to need a break from your kids! It’s totally normal. As a mom there are so many roles that you hold simultaneously, switching in and out of. You’re a manager, scheduler, advocate, decision maker, teacher, problem solver, therapist, money maker, mind reader, personal shopper, the list goes on!

Being a mom, while beautiful and rewarding, is work. Work that requires energy, creativity, patience, understanding, and lots of anticipation. It requires you to be “on” in a way that should not be underestimated.

You need a break from work, correct? And sometimes even a break from your family and friends, correct? Needing a break from your child is appropriate and necessary for your mental and physical health.

Your needs are just as important as your child’s. Don’t ignore them.

“Why do I need a break from my kids? Am I a bad mom?”

No mama, you are not a bad mom. You’re human. And the expectations of parents, particularly moms, continue to be more demanding and exhausting.

I was recently having a discussion with two individual clients, both moms, who both highlighted an important point. When our parents were parents, the world was so different.

The workforce and culture were different. The availability of family and friends was different. How children are expected to perform academically has shifted. The cost of living has significantly increased, with minimal change in pay rates.

All of these, and more, have put increased financial and emotional stress on parents and the family. Now listen, I’m not saying that things shouldn’t have changed over time. There are so many changes that had to happen. And still need to happen in the workforce, society and the American culture, but that’s for another blog post.

I say this to highlight the increase in responsibilities over time and the reduction in natural support around moms. Support that allows for moms to simply take a breath.

What contributes to the shame around needing a break from your kids?

Let’s dispel some myths that likely make you feel bad for needing a break from your kids. And increase the likelihood that you actually take a much needed break.

“My house needs to be clean. Every other mom can keep their house clean. Why can’t I?”

Well, because they probably aren’t. And if they are, it’s momentary. Keeping a house organized and clean with kids is almost impossible! Maybe you’ve seen some photos on social media. Or an advertisement for a course telling you they can teach you the secret to keeping your house clean and organized.

Keeping a house clean and organized is not a reflection of your worth or ability to parent. It requires time, energy, teamwork and cooperation from others. It’s not on you.

“My child’s behavior and development is a reflection of how good/bad of a mom I am.”

Yes, children watch us and learn from us as parents. They’re behaviors can be a reflection of what they’re feeling and what is going on in the home and world around them.

They also have free will and a personality that is all their own. Not your’s. Their behavior is not a reflection of you or your ability to parent.

There’s been a lot more education over the last 20-30 years on child development. And while this is helpful, I believe it has contributed to parents, particularly moms, putting significant pressure on themselves to follow all the advice.

And when they can’t follow all of the advice, because it’s not possible, I see mom’s quickly blame and shame themselves. Especially when their child presents with a developmental delay or “problem.”

Please don’t. There are so many other contributing factors outside of your control.

“Other mom’s love spending time with their kids. Why don’t I love playing with them? Going to their soccer game?”

Because we are not going to like everything our kids enjoy. We are adults and individuals with our own interests. We have responsibilities to take care of and lots of things on our mind.

Some days it feels more like work than other days. And that’s okay! It’s okay to need a break from play to do adult activities.

“My child’s needs have to come first. I’m a parent now and I have to sacrifice my own needs.”

Listen, your child’s needs are important. They have to be met.

First, I bet some of the things that you’re defining as “needs” aren’t actual needs. They’d maybe make your child’s life easier or more enjoyable, and contribute to them feeling loved and cared for. But there are plenty of other opportunities for you to do these things.

Taking a break from being with your child or family is not going to hurt them. It will help them. When you spend time away from your child:

They are learning to build relationships with someone outside of the mother-child relationship.
They are learning to regulate sadness.
They have the opportunity to develop a healthy attachment by learning that you will come back.
You are learning to regulate sadness, guilt and whatever other emotion you experience and modelling this for them.
You have the ability to refresh and re-energize. You feed your soul, which will ultimately impact how you are able to show up for your kid.

“How do I actually take a break when I need a break from my kids?”

One of the first steps you may have to take when you need a break from your kids is to accept that you may feel some guilt in taking the break. And that’s okay. You are going to survive it, and so is your child. You can simultaneously experience enjoyment, relief, guilt, and sadness.

And over time, the guilt and sadness won’t be so intense. You’ll discover that taking time to care for your needs benefits you and your family. So here are some of the “how-to’s.”

I can’t take total credit for this section. I asked for help from my mom-friends and family. I thought it would be important to get different perspectives. With a variety of family make-ups and socio-economic statuses. Not just from my white, middle class, hetero-normative, married perspective.

So here are some tangible ways you might start responding to the thought, “I need a break from my kids:”

Ask for help. Ask your partner, a grandparent, a friend to spend time with your child(ren). Take at least an hour and do something for YOU.
Read a book. Take a Nap. Go for a walk. Listen to some music. Take a drive. Grab some ice cream. Go to a waterfront nearby. Sit outside for fresh air and Vitamin D. Go to the gym. Get your nails done. Get a massage. Go to Target. Do something you love, like scrapbooking, sewing, crocheting, knitting, whatever. Watch an episode of a show that makes you laugh.
If you can’t leave the house and have to be available for your kids, here are some options.
- Go to the bathroom, close and lock the door!
- Take a shower or bath so you can still hear the kids in an emergency. This is a great self-soothing skill.
- Go onto the porch or outside if you can. Even for just 5-10 minutes.
- Workout with your kids present. Have them join in, or put on a Youtube video for them to workout to while you work out. Something like Zumba Kids or Cosmic Kids Yoga.
- Bring the kids to the park with you and let them play while you sit on a bench.
Use a babysitter and go on a date night. Make it once a month if you can.

So when you’re thinking: “I need a break from my family,” I hope you’ll take it. And if you happen to live in New York and want to explore this more or have trouble taking steps to care for yourself, please reach out to explore how we can work together.

When You Need A Break From Your Kids