I hate being a mom. Yup, I said it. I hate being a mom. It’s exhausting, frustrating, draining and so freaking boring sometimes. Listen, there are definitely beautiful things about motherhood, and I don't always hate being a mom. But... this is not the blog that’s going to focus on those.

I’m Nicole Goudreau-Green, a therapist and coach for moms. I'm here to validate the heck out of you when you say "I hate being a mom." I love my kids. I enjoy the fun and heartwarming moments. But some days are just so damn long I can’t take it.

It’s okay if you don’t like being a mom. I repeat, it’s OKAY! You don’t have to love it. You're not a bad mom because you feel this way. And you surely aren't the only one.

Motherhood can bring up disappointment, grief, loss, loneliness, fear, sadness and so much more. Motherhood can have a way of healing our old wounds. Of bringing up feelings we thought we buried long ago, or didn’t even know we had. These feelings alone are enough to bring up sentiments of “I hate being a mother!”

Given that you're here reading this, I'd wager a bet that you're a pretty darn good mom. And that guilt often accompanies this thought for you. Mama, there is no judgment here. I hope after reading this, you'll feel less alone, less of that mom guilt. And more love and affection towards yourself.

Why do I hate being a mom?

We are conditioned as women, and mothers to martyr ourselves. We're "good" moms if we sacrifice our time, energy, money, health and sanity. It's "normal" and has become a badge of honor to be overwhelmed, exhausted, over-scheduled and stressed.

You're a "bad mom" if you get angry, let shit get messy or complain to other moms. If you let your kid use the tablet so you can get stuff done. You’re a “bad mom” if you spend money and time treating yourself to something nice, rather than with your kids. There is so much social pressure to behave in a certain way.

Feeling angry is so taboo for women, and even more so for moms. We're low-key shamed, and often outright shamed for this feeling. The expectation to hold it all in, is one of the most frustrating things about motherhood. I know very few moms... make that no moms, who feel happy, grateful, excited and calm 24/7.

We aren't just moms. We are partners, sisters, friends, students, employees and so much more. We were children once. We are probably healing from our own wounds and trauma. Wounds and trauma that can bring up painful, intense feelings for many moms.

10 reasons I (Nicole) hate being a mother:

1) I hate how lonely it is, despite never having any alone time or privacy.

2) I hate when my kids throw tantrums, because sometimes I don't even know how to stop my own internal tantrum.

3) I hate how much I have to censor myself.

4) I hate that I feel like a bad mom for wanting to spend time at work rather than be with my kids sometimes.

5) I hate that I'm not enjoying motherhood more.

6) I hate that I feel sad and guilty about doing things I know are healthy for me.

7) I hate that I have trouble turning off my brain, and my kids notice when I'm not paying attention.

8) I hate that I lose my shit sometimes.

9) I hate that I feel overwhelmed.

10) I hate that I feel like the only parent when there are two parents in the house.

Other reasons you might "hate being a mom:”

Responding to "mom" 50 plus times a day.
The overwhelm of being needed. Answering an endless amount of questions from kids and adults in your life... Seriously though, sometimes I think "Ugh! Can't they just figure it out themselves!" And I mean the adults, not the kids. The adults sometimes need me more than the kids.
Too many decisions to make.
Organizing everyone's schedule.
Planning out meals.
Dealing with a certain developmental stage. We can move in and out of enjoying the stages and ages of our children. Sometimes we just don't have the skill for it. I know I sure don’t.

You're not a bad mom, you're a human being with emotions

At some point in my work with moms I almost always hear, "I hate being a mom." It doesn't mean you hate your kids. It means you're in touch with how hard it is to be a mother. It means you probably fantasize about what life would be like without kids.

That's okay. Your thoughts and feelings aren't hurting anyone. Now, if they lead to physical or emotional abuse, then yes, they're hurting someone. My guess, however, is that if you've made it this far in reading you likely aren't doing that. And in fact, you're likely actively working to deal with your emotions.

Let's talk more about emotions. You're a human being with emotions and your own mental health to take care of. Many moms I work with report experiencing sadness, loneliness, intense guilt, fear, regret and loss. And I know so many more mothers are feeling these and not communicating it to anyone.

Maybe you don't even realize you're experiencing these feelings. Maybe they're coming up as thoughts like these:

"I really miss being around other adults."
"I can't wait to get back to work."
"I can't think that way. It makes me a bad mom."
"I was able to have children, so I should be grateful."
"I have a supportive partner compared to other people I know, so I shouldn't complain."
"I have a good life, I should just appreciate that."
"I wanted kids, so I can't be upset that I've had to give up other parts of myself."
"I don't get to spend much time with them, so I need to enjoy every moment with them."

How do I make sense of all these feelings and thoughts so that I don't hate being a mom so much?

Listen, it can be true that you were able to have children. That you don't get to spend much time with your kids. That you wanted kids. That you have a good life. That your partner is supportive.

That's does NOT mean:

You can't complain.
You can't want AND get time for yourself.
You give up your interests or parts of yourself.
You can't fantasize about a different life.
You can't hate being a mom.

It probably means:

You're exhausted.
You love parts of your life and dislike other parts of it.
You want more from your life than the title of "mother."
The responsibilities of all your roles are unmanageable and something has to change.
You need to get more in touch with the other parts of yourself.
You need to start using the supports you have. Other parents, local family members, childcare, your partner.
You need to communicate clearly and directly about what you need (which means you likely need some alone time to think and figure out what you need).
You could benefit from working with a coach or therapist.
You need to start setting clear boundaries with your kids and partner.

You need more than just "self-care" when you're thinking "I hate being a mom."

Self-care is often spoken about as the magical answer to feeling better. In my opinion, it's become a bit watered down. And honestly, we need more than self-care to address something as complex as being a woman and mother in the United States at this point in time.

Self-care is not the answer to addressing, "I hate being a mom." Here are a few suggestions/steps I recommend:

First, you have to acknowledge that you are thinking "I hate being a mom." Don't avoid it because you feel guilty for having the thought.
Figure out what emotions are fueling it. Trust me, I know it's way easier said than done. You're busy and the day is over before you know it. It's hard enough to tend to your own needs, when you feel like you can barely manage your kids' needs. MAKE TIME. You must make time. Nothing is going to change if you don't.
Work with a therapist or coach to explore what contributes to your experience of motherhood. Maybe it's societal expectations and pressures. Family roles and patterns. Maybe it's what you saw growing up, so it's what you do. Maybe it's social pressures. Maybe it stems from your own experience of trauma. Likely, it's complex and a little bit of all of these things.
If you're not quite ready to work with a therapist or coach, try journaling. I find journaling incredibly helpful. Sometimes I use a prompt and other times I'll just free write to see what comes up. You need quiet and alone time for this. Here's a prompt I have found helpful, "I have fear that ________." I let myself go to the extreme. Sometimes just writing these out helps me realize how unrealistic my fears are. Here are some examples:
- I have fear that if I don't do it all, nothing will get done.
- I have fear that my kids are going to be dirty, messy humans if I don't stay on top of cleaning the house.
- I have fear that the moms/staff at school will judge me if I don't show up for____.
- I have fear that I'm a horrible mom.
- I have fear that I'm not doing enough for my kids.
- I have fear that if I allow myself to enjoy my work it will mean I'm a bad mom.
Ask for and accept help. I have spent years working on this. There's so much to unpack around this for each one of us. (Which is why it can be helpful to work with a therapist or coach). For me, therapy and coaching has allowed me the time, space, encouragement and nurturing to get at what truly stops me from asking for and accepting help. Beginning to ask for help and accepting it requires commitment and practice. Be gentle and forgiving with yourself around this. If it helps, when you find yourself struggling to ask for help, fill in the blank: "I have fear that ________ if I ask ______ to help with______."
When feelings of anger, sadness, fear and guilt come up, give them space. Allow yourself to feel them. They won’t go away by ignoring them. Let them crest like a wave, and ride them out.
Name and do one thing that will bring you some joy today. Not tomorrow, not next week or next month. TODAY. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. It’s amazing what a little fresh air and walk can do for you. A cup of warm tea. Changing into comfortable clothing. Wrapping yourself in a soft blanket. Using a diffuser or lighting a candle with a scent you enjoy. Going and sitting in a cafe for 30 minutes with a cup of coffee and a book or journal. Tip: Don't use your phone. It'll be a distraction and it causes more stress. Unless you are listening to music. And in that case, listen away. Music is incredibly therapeutic.
Get some validation. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that I have permission to feel and think "I hate being a mom." I text a friend, my sister, my cousin. Someone I know will validate my feelings. It’s amazing what a little validation can do. Sometimes that's enough for me to move through it and not allow it to fester and impact how I treat the people I love around me.

Why "I hate being a mom" isn't a reflection of you.

There are logistics to being a parent that can contribute to feeling like you hate being a mother. Motherhood often takes precedence over the other parts of ourselves, because sometimes it just has to. Especially when we have small humans relying on us.

And there are complicated relationships that significantly impact the experience of being a mother. Relationships with your partner. With your parents. With your siblings. With your kids. With the neighborhood you live in. With money. With your career. With education. With your workplace. With politics. And more.

Both my husband and I work hard to be partners in parenting. But there are still patterns that we just automatically fall into. Patterns impacted by conditioning, pressure and a continued patriarchal system that prioritizes traditionally “male” careers over traditionally “female” careers.

I’m in a place of a decent amount of privilege, being a cisgender, heterosexual married, middle class white female with two children and two incomes. And with this privilege I have choices and opportunities others do not. This relationship with the world impacts my experience of motherhood.

Not everyone will have the experience I do, and the relationships I mentioned above will be different for everyone. And so will the access to resources and support.

Redefining motherhood so I don't hate being a mother so often:

I think it's important that we allow ourselves to feel all of the disappointment, loss, anger, frustration, sadness, fear and more that comes with motherhood. And I also think it's important that we move toward an improved experience with motherhood.

While there are lots of things we cannot change in life, we have a choice in how we interact with motherhood. Stop trying to do all the things. Fill all the roles. Share the homework helping. Share the planning. Share the entertainment. Or shit, don’t entertain at all.

As I read more about parenting in other cultures, I realize that entertaining and keeping children busy is an American way of living. Kids are totally capable of occupying their time. Instead of trying to keep them occupied, allowing them to be in our presence while we cook, clean, read, fold clothes, etc. is a privilege. You’d be amazed at what they start to do and how they help.

"Doing it all" and wearing "busy, tired, overwhelmed" like badges of honor to be rewarded isn’t healthy. And it’s not working. We often don't get encouragement, praise and validation for giving ourselves peace, quiet, joy and alone time. You will with me though.

If you're looking for support in changing your experience of motherhood, diving deeper into your relationship with yourself and treating yourself with more love and compassion, please reach out. I’d love to work with you. You can book a discovery call with me here to discuss what it might be like working with me.

Is It Normal That I Hate Being a Mom?